I'm tired of living from Holiday to Holiday

I find myself apathetic until that moment when I think, or rather, have already conditioned myself to feel happy, relaxed, and content. That moment never comes and I am left wanting yet again. Even when I am with the people who make me the happiest, the entire time I am telling myself that this is fleeting, that this will go away. I know that most of you will respond by saying, "Why yes, but enjoy the moments you have with these people. You won't have many, but you can appreciate them more!" But the truth is, the people I see most are the people that I should be able to turn to no matter the issue. Although I would like to turn to the people that I have known the longest, best, etc, it can't happen if they are 600 miles away. Although I know that I want to maintain the friendship of those who I have known for years, and value their friendships tremendously, I realize that if I am going to put all of my effort into these friendships, I will be living holiday to holiday. I am not willing to do this. I feel fixated in the past and need to be happy with where I am at. I am discontent. I am always discontent. If I am in one place, I long to be in another.

I want to be happy now, where I am. I am blessed and I know this by the facts and statistics of the suffering people in the world either due to Tsunamis, family issues, or the millions of other categories that I, myself do not fall into. I don't even think that this is a matter of me being selfish (but there have been plenty of those, believe me.) I think it is a matter of not feeling myself. I look forward to the next this or the next that, but happiness is always fleeting. C.S. Lewis talks of discontent in a different way,

“If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”

I don't know if this sums up my feelings of discontent, but I would like to think that it does. I don't know that I want, but I know that I must let go of the past in order to reach that place.

I am certainly in the land between. I am not where I was, but I am not where I am meant to be. Praying for the strength to make it to that place. I am lacking all desires. Each day takes so much out of me, it makes me question what I am really getting out of each one. I want a reason, but I find myself just being disappointed after I fail at all of my great aspirations. Although I am at a complete loss, I know that God is working in my life, despite my feelings of being out of touch.

Lost in thought,

Rachel